25 December 2006

My Worst Christmas Ever

This has got to be the worst Christmas of my life. I'm writing this on my phone so I'll have to reformat it later.

For starters, let's talk about the fact that, for the first time that I can remember, I didn't purchase/make/etc. a single present for a single person. Even when I was young -- just a lad -- I remember being able to get presents for people. I had an allowance, or my grandmother would take me shopping, or SOMETHING. But this year, nothing. Not a single damned thing. Not a single present, for anybody. And I'm a very giving person (most of the time), so it really hurts that I haven't been able to give anyone anything. And, of course, it goes without saying that this situation isn't really helping out my depression any.

Next up, my father recently dropped the bomb that his marriage is basically falling apart. He's going down south next month to scope out some housing. His wife has no interest in living in the south, and he wants to move further south to a warmer climate because the cold weather up here aggravates his various injuries. His wife is a nice enough person, and they get along ok, but he thinks that she's having an affair, and she's not very sharing (she still considers many things to be "hers" instead of "theirs," as would be applicable in a real partnership, which is what a marriage really is about).

Next up comes mom, whose schmuck of a husband is leaving her (he already served the divorce papers) and trying to do so without leaving her with anything. In fact, he's already told people that he's running up his debt like crazy, because he intends to file for bankruptcy either very soon or as soon as the divorce goes through. At one point, he offered my mother $20,000 to get a divorce. I advised her against that because she's entitled to more (e.g., part of his pension, part of the proceeds of the house that he owns that she's helped to maintain, etc.). It's really a nasty situation.

So on Christmas afternoon, mom went into the hospital because she wasn't feeling very well. She was complaining of weakness and dizziness. She called 911 and was transported to Hartford Hospital by ambulance. In fact, I'm in the hospital's ER with her now, writing this on my mobile phone. We're waiting for the results of some bloodwork. Oh, and did I mention that mom, who had her second surgery (a lumpectomy) for breast cancer this year, was just diagnosed with Adult Onset Diabetes, Type II. And did I mention that her mother (that is, my mother's mother) died from complications arising from her battle with the disease? Happy happy, joy joy....

As for presents this year, I stopped off at my father's on the way back up to see my mother (in the hospital). He gave me a few small gifts (I felt like a heel not having anything to give him), nothing big but, even so, he did manage to put some thought into it. I feel sorry for him ... nobody that I know really has any money these days. It's too depressing. Oh, his wife gave me a box of Russian chocolates, which she knows I go ga-ga over.

So I'm sitting here in the ER with my mom, waiting for test results, waiting so I can go home with her. Oh, and did I mention that I've spent the past week sick out of my mind, camped out on a friend's couch, and I haven't had a change in clothing, so I've been wearing the same damned clothes for the past week?

In years past, I've been able to feel something during the holiday season. I'd see the decorations, and get those goosebumps that you get when you just feel all warm and fuzzy inside, you know what I'm talking about? I don't know the exact cause of it (certainly the depression is a major contributing factor) but this year, I feel absolutely nothing about the holidays. If anything, I wish they would all just go away.

And to make my guilt even a little bit more (on the side of receiving gifts and not being able to give any out), one of my friends, who has even less money than I do, and probably just as many bills, sent me a $15 fit card to one of my favourite retailers. And she's probably in the hospital with her kidney problems, because when I called to thank her, I didn't get an answer, and she hasn't called back -- which she usually does only when she's in the hospital dealing with her health issues.

So this is how I'm spending my worst Christmas ever. If you're having as pitiful a Christmas as I am, I'd love to hear about it. Please leave a comment and fill me in.