02 February, 2007

I've been out of politics for too long

OK, this one kind of snuck up on me, and it just goes to show that I've been out of politics for too long. In fact, I've probably been out of life for too long, but that just goes to show what depression will do to a person. So I was just reading my local paper online when I noticed an article about a possible conflict of interest in the hiring of the domestic partner of the Mayor of the Town of Ossining. I mean, aside from Bill Schmidt, who recently lost re-election to the Common Council of the City of Peekskill, I didn't think there were any other openly gay elected officials in Westchester County. In fact, I didn't even know that Councilman Schmidt lost his re-election bid.

So politically, I'm out of it. Emotionally, well, that's a given. And socially, it seems that after my car accident in 2002, most of my friends have dropped off the face of the earth, or at least it appears that way, as I'm in touch with relatively few of them, as compared to before my accident. I have no idea where the majority of them are or what they're doing, or even if they're alive.

And speaking of whether or not my friends are still alive, that's a bit of a stressor. You see, back in 1999, I moved to Phoenix, Arizona with someone who used to be a very good friend. Actually, I was probably in love with him. But long story short, things didn't quite work out, and I left him. In fact, things didn't quite work out so badly that my Scorpio came out, and I kind of burned him when I left him. A few years ago (October 2005, actually), I was thinking about him while roaming online and I thought about getting in touch with him and attempting to re-establish some sort of relationship with him. So I "googled" for his name and, instead of finding some sort of contact information for him (which is what I was hoping for), I came across his death notice (don't worry, his name is just buried on the page somewhere).

That sent my depression into a dovetail, especially considering that my car had recently been repossessed (illegally, I might add, but I won't get into that now). So I went out and did what any person who suffers from chronic depression and major depressive disorder would do when a truckload of stressors get dumped on one's doorstep: I went out and purchased some narcotics to use in an overdose cocktail. Suffice it to say, long story short, I got caught, was prosecuted, and have recently plead guilty to possession charges, even though my intent was to end my life, and not what most people would intend to do with narcotics (if you doubt me about this, consider that for the week I spent in jail after my arrest, I was on suicide watch in the forensics ward of the Westchester County Jail, and upon my release I went into a psychiatric hospital where I spent two months being re-medicated and badly counseled until I reached a point where I was sufficiently safe to leave the confines of a hospital setting, and could promise my doctors that I wouldn't try to hurt myself again).

So I've been sentenced to three years of probation, and I had to pay a fine, with a state-mandated surcharge.

Since the actual arrest took place in October 2005, and sentencing was in 2007, I guess I've had some time to deal with things. And I've had two other hospitalizations for my depression and suicidal thoughts in the interim (mostly recently, September/October 2006). And I've been doing a lot of reading lately, so I think that's helped.

I'm currently not in treatment, because I'm homeless, and I don't really know where I'm going to be living. I have an option to move to the Hartford, CT area, where my mother is currently trying to find housing (as I've blogged about before, her schmuck husband is divorcing her and trying to leave her penniless, and is requesting that she vacate the marital residence). It's more affordable up there, but I tried getting into treatment and was told about a two-month long waiting list at most of the facilities in the area. I have no support system up there, other than my mother (who can usually drive me more insane than I already am within about six hours of being subjected to her motherly-loving-nagging), and no friends in the area. Although in time, I supposed that could change. My other option is to wait for housing in Westchester County; I have an application in with the county's department of mental health, but there are waiting lists, and it could take up to two additional years to get housing, despite my being put near the top of the waiting lists and placed on special status (urgent needs).

So I'm kind of in flux right now, not in treatment, but trying to get my prescriptions filled (which isn't easy, as even the Emergency Rooms nowadays don't want to write out a prescription for you if you go in for an evaluation). Life isn't easy, but I managed to shock my case manager a few weeks or so ago, by telling her about my thoughts, that I was actually thinking about the future in a positive aspect, for the first time in probably about five years (since my car accident). (I think this news caused her heart to skip a few beats, but she recovered.) So even though I have all of these negatives in my life (thoughts and stressors and events and such), I'm actually probably doing better, mentally, as I can still think about what I might be doing two weeks from now, whereas in the past I couldn't even think I would be alive two weeks into the future, it was that bad.

OK, this post didn't exactly end up where I thought it would, but such is the nature of the blog. I have to write about some of the books I've read recently, as they've really helped me see things in a different light, and realize that I'm not alone in the world.