As I've previously mentioned, I've been hospitalized on a number of occasions for my depression, usually when it gets to the point of my becoming suicidal. Over the past few years, I've been getting better about knowing when I need to put myself into the hospital to keep me safe -- when these suicidal thoughts become overwhelming and I feel like acting upon them. Right now, I don't think I'm at that point, but the Dr. asked me if I was having any of these thoughts, and I told him the truth: I had some the other night, but I called some friends and got my mind off it.
Because of this, the Dr. felt that I should be hospitalized. I told him that I really didn't think that was necessary at this point (in a month or two, if I continue without treatment, that might change). The thoughts aren't constant, and I haven't had an urge to act upon them. It was more of a contemplation than anything (even though it's not something good to be contemplating). So the Dr. contacted Stony Lodge Partial Hospital Program ("PHP") to see if they would take me back, and it was agreed that I would go there the next day (which would have been today) for an intake appointment, and possible entry into their PHP.
This morning, the Director of the Stony Lodge PHP told me that, in addition to having to pay the outstanding balance I owe them from prior treatment with them, they want me to go to and comply with a 3-day/week intensive outpatient treatment ("IOP") program before they would take me (and if I was successful at that and IOP determined I needed a higher level of care then they would consider me at that time), and recommended the IOP at Westchester Medical Center's Behavioral Health Center, which is the only IOP of which she is aware (I've later found out that New York Presbyterian Hospital provides an IOP).
I've previously tried to get into treatment there (WMC BHC outpatient) in the past and, because I owe WMC (in general) a HUGE amount of money (Medicare only covers part of one's astronomical health care costs), they said that they would only take me if I paid them some ridiculous amount of money (I believe it was around $150) in addition to the Medicare co-pay that I would have to pay, for each visit. So in essence, I'd be paying around $200 per visit, which would be three times per week, which would come out to between $500-$600 per week.
Not to mention, I don't know how I'd get up to WMC (or NY Presbyterian Hospital, for that matter) 3x/week or whatever (lack of transportation and my difficulty in getting around are additional issues with which I must contend). And, my last experience at WMC BHC has left a sour taste in my mouth. I was inpatient and had to fight with the doctor who headed the unit I was on the entire time I was there, because he didn't believe that I needed to be inpatient even though I know/knew that I did, in fact, need to be inpatient. His belief (that I didn't need to be inpatient) was based on his contact with me four or five years prior thereto, when I was heavily sedated on painkillers. I don't think he considered the possibility that my circumstances were different, that I'm a different person now than I was then, and that things change. In other words, I think he took his evaluation of me from four or five years ago and applied it to me last fall, even though he'd had no other contact with me in the interim.
So what am I do to? RPC won't take me because they believe I need a higher level of treatment than regular outpatient (seeking a therapist once or twice a week, maybe some groups, and monthly medication management with a psychiatrist). Stony Lodge PHP won't take me because of funding issues and previous difficulties complying with their five day per week attendance requirement, so they suggest I go into an IOP, which I either can't get to (transportation wise) or can't afford (Stony Lodge provided transportation; they're the only mental health provider in Westchester County that does so for Medicare patients).
I called my case manager and asked for her input, and she made a few calls and got back to me. Basically, it comes down to the fact that unless I go into the hospital for inpatient treatment, I won't be able to get into treatment. I don't believe that I'm at a level where I need to be inpatient but, apparently, getting into treatment without doing so is not going to be possible, for the following reasons:
- transportation issues (it's hard for me to get around; I don't have a working car, and it's difficult for me to walk far, and public transportation where I'm staying basically sucks);
- financial issues (I have a lot of outstanding medical bills with a lot of facilities, as Medicare only covers a portion of the astronomical costs of today's health care); and
- lack of good treatment facilities (there are a few places I've been to before that would take me but I wouldn't go back to them if I were paid to do so, as I've had really bad experiences there (being misdiagnosed, treated poorly, etc .) and there are one or two other places I've tried to get into in the past but they make it nearly impossible to do so (not returning phone calls, not setting up an appointment, not taking walk-ins, etc.)
- I'm already booked/slated to go in and the firm where I'm scheduled to work might not call me back in the future if I cancel,
- I think I'll be OK, even out of treatment, for at least another few weeks,
- if I do get worse before I complete my scheduled work, I can promise to take appropriate action to get help (go to the ER, etc.) before acting on any impulses to do harm to myself, and
- (least importantly) I need the money.
So in addition to the difficulties I'm having in getting (and staying in) treatment, my housing difficulties continue to dominate my life. One of the reasons that my uncle gave for causing my homelessness last year was that it would cause my housing to come through faster. I knew that this was bullshit, and that it wouldn't have that effect. And since it now looks like I'll be homeless for about another year or so, it looks like I was right.