30 July 2014

A Small Window Into Struggles With Depression

It should come as no surprise to those who know or follow me online that I suffer from dysthymia compounded with episodes of major depressive disorder as well as some anxiety disorders (general, social, performance).

I can cope and carry myself in certain circumstances. For instance, I spent the last few months putting together a LGBTQ pride event in The Bronx. I thought this year would be different insofar as I wouldn't be doing the majority of the word, as certain people had volunteered to take on some pretty hefty tasks that are a large part of putting together any event, especially one outdoors in a NYC-owned park. But many of those people dragged their feet and misled me about what they had been doing (i.e., nothing) and wound up reneging on their promises, leaving me to pick up their tasks and start from scratch (as they'd literally not done a damned thing), forcing me to quintuple my expected workload.

Thankfully, I was able to pull it off and we had a very successful event for the community (which is the most important aspect about holding a pride event). However, it came at a price. I kept putting off things I know I needed to do to keep my depression in check, and immediately after the event -- when I took a moment to breathe -- it hit me head-on.

I haven't left my apartment for what is now going on eleven days -- not even to step outside and check the mail (the mailboxes are just outside my door). In face, apart from getting up to use the facilities, I haven't really even left my bed.

I've eaten about six times in total in the past almost two weeks. Today I ate the most I had in a while, mostly because I forced myself to do so -- not because I was hungry.

For the past few days, I've awoken with an urge to use the facilities and relieve myself. And more often than not, I rolled over and went right back to sleep, only to awaken an hour or so later and repeat the process.

During this time, I was having a conversation with myself, trying to muster up the energy to get out of bed. It went something like this:

I really have to pee.


Why do I need to pee? Why can't I just press a button and have it medically extracted from me, or something?

Wait, that would mean I'd have to move and press a button. And I'd probably have to be situated in a certain position in my bed.

Scratch that idea. I'd probably just lose the button or something.

Or drop it.

And it would be two feet from the bed and I don't have the energy to lean out of bed and press it without falling out.

If I were gonna do all of that, I might as well just get up and use the loo myself.

Besides, I'm kinda sorta pee shy.

They'd have to like, magically extract the pee, just magically empty my bladder, without having to see my privates.

Maybe I can get a genie to do that for me. Y'know, just magically empty my bladder for me.

I'd probably have to rub a lamp or some shit. Ugh. I'd still have to move. And I'd probably drop or lose the lamp. Well maybe not lose it -- it's bigger than a button, right? But I'd probably drop it and it would roll a few feet away from the bed. And there's that whole rubbing thing; how much would I have to rub it? Too much fucking work.


I really have to pee ...

Maybe if I go back to sleep, I'll wake up and won't have to pee so badly. Sounds like a plan. Works for me.

So I roll over and go back to sleep and wake up a couple of hours later.


I really, really have to pee.

Let's try this sleep thing again; it seemed to work ...

And so I go back to sleep for another hour or so.

And wake up and ... ugh.

I really have to fucking pee.

I do not want to move. I don't have the energy to move.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I just pee'd right here. Y'know, in the bed.

It would be nice and warm. I always liked my room freezing cold but under the covers to be nice and warm.

Yeah, maybe peeing in the bed won't be so bad. It'll be nice and warm ...

and wet.

Wet won't really be so bad, as long as it's warm, will it?


It's not gonna stay warm, will it?

Even if I'm lying in it?

Will it stay warm if I pee in the bed and lie in it?

Oh fuck what if it gets into the bed, will it attract insects? I can always wash the sheets but how do I wash the bed?

Bad enough other things have spilled into the bed ...

Does dried pee smell? I mean, if it got into the bed, would it smell?

I need to get one of those rubber mattress pads. That way I can just pee in the damned bed and not have to worry about it getting into the bed and making it smell.

Ugh, I really have to pee.

I'm going back to sleep.

And I did. Go back to sleep, that is. This went on a few more times and, eventually, I dragged myself out of bed and pee'd. I think it was about eight hours later, or something like that. I can't really remember.

But, this is what it can be like to struggle with depression.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have enough energy to shower .... maybe. :/