Family Update, More on Depression

So my grandfather went in to surgery on Tuesday. His surgery was delayed for whatever reasons. He came out of it ok. I haven't been to see him yet. I haven't really been out of the house. My car is in the shot -- the crankshaft pulley needs to be replaced (I hit a bump in the road that I didn't see). More money (that I don't really have) to spend fixing the car. I knew that there were going to be a few things wrong with the car when I bought it, but now it's getting to the point where the repairs are beginning to exceed my planning. Of course, this time it's probably due to something that I did.

So, my mother called me on Monday night. She told me that she needs my help because she's getting a divorce. This is her third husband. It turns out that she thinks that he's still married -- in Thailand (where he's from). She also thinks that he married her just to get citizenship (which he still has yet to get, although he did get his green card). So she wants me to come up to Hartford to help fill out the papers. Apparently, he's offering her $20k to get divorced. All of the finances are in his name, but my mother subjected herself to being denigrated by him for about a decade, and she took care of him and the homestead. From what I remember in law school, that's worth a bit more than $20k with no alimony payments.

Of course, my mother doesn't want alimony. She wants to get him deported, because she thinks that he had another child with his wife when he took a trip to Thailand last year. I don't have all the info yet -- I have yet to make it up to Hartford (the car's in the shop). But I'll find out. And I'll subject myself to my mother's co-dependence, paranoid, and anxiety disorders.

My Uncle has been visiting since Tuesday -- since my grandfather's surgery. He has some serious issues going on with his personality. He convinced one of the mental health hospitals where I received treatment that I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I wholeheartedly disagree with that diagnosis. I might have some other kind of personality disorder, but I don't think I'm borderline. According to the DSM-IV (that's the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychological Association, Fourth Edition), one must have at least five of the following traits in order to be diagnosed with BPD:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I've put the traits that I think I exhibit listed above in boldface, and I'm not even certain that I exhibit the ones I've marked out. For instance, with trait #5, recurrent suicidal behavior, I think, as I've said before, that my suicidal thoughts/behaviors have more to do with my surviving a fatal automobile accident than anything else. As for trait #4, I'll admit to that ... I do tend to be impulsive about spending, and I'm sure that some of my friends whom I've driven places will accuse my driving as being reckless. My past sexual behavior might be described as impulsive, and I might be guilty of binge-eating (I'll not eat for a day or two, because I'm depressed, or broke, or both, and then binge -- I'm not sure that this is typical binge eating, though, because I'm really just making up for a period when I wasn't eating but, then again, I don't know much about eating disorders).

I had a lengthly e-mail conversation with my friend Val (she's a Spiritual Counselor with a New York State Certification in School Psychology) about all of this. Here's what she had to say:

Peter, then what I'd diagnose you with (if it were something I had to do) would be Personality Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. You do have a personality based disorder in my opinion but it does seem that you have a little of this and a little of that.

This is based on a self-assessment that I performed, by reading about all of the various personality disorders, the traits associated with each, and then doing a self-assessment to figure out which of those traits I exhibit. Basically, my personality can be considered to be pretty fucked up. Right, Val?

In my e-mail conversation with Val, I also wrote about my past suicidal behaviors, and why I don't think they should be counted as one of the traits for BPD, and why I don't think I have BPD in general:

Looking back on things, I can see that I've had major depression/chronic depression for a very long time. However, the only time I didn't want to live was when I was 17 and tried to commit suicide because I realized that I was gay. But I got over that, and became an activist instead. Ever since then, I've been depressed, but I didn't want to do. I always had the "fight" in me, if you know what I mean.

Until, at least, my car accident four years ago. Ever since then, I've lost that "fight" -- that spirit. For the two years after my accident when I was trying to kill myself, I was taking a LOT of painkillers (opiates). I was in a total fog. The reason that I didn't succeed in killing myself then, I attribute to the fact that my mind wasn't working correctly [basically, I was in a major fog].

In terms of me wanting to kill myself, it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm in a lot of physical pain. I don't want to go back on the opiates. I take a LOT of Aleve (like 8-12 pills a day -- the bottle recommends no more than three) for the pain, which helps, but doesn't get rid of it completely. The pain that I have is only going to get worse (much of it comes from the arthritis). I've had more than one orthopaedic surgeon tell me that fusing the joint (meaning I'd lose all mobility in the ankle, as opposed to the 20-25% that I now have) will help alleviate that pain but won't get rid of it completely, especially since some of my pain is from neurosis.

Without that pain, I might just be depressed. But with the pain, and the depression, I lose energy, I lose my will to stick around. I saw my grandmother and what pain did to her -- I don't want to end up like her. If I could figure out how to do it right now, I would. But unfortunately, I'm not sure, and I don't want to make another "attempt" and have some fucking idiot tell me I'm just doing it for attention. Really, I'm not. If I wanted attention, I'd do something else. I'd spend more time with people. As it is, I'm avoiding everything.

Recently I was discussing my car accident with a friend from the hospital and she mentioned that it's very common for people in severe accidents to not remember a thing -- that's it's part of post traumatic stress disorder. That got me to thinking, the fact that I can't remember anything, and that I lived and the other driver died, and that I've only really been suicidal since after the car accident -- I think being suicidal is more related to PTSD than to borderline personality disorder.

One of these days, I'll post the rest of that e-mail conversation ... the part where I pick out which attributes of which personality disorders I see myself as having.

Back to my depression ... I think I'm in, or heading into, a double depression. Too much shitake going on in my life these days. I did manage to get in touch with someone who works for WJCS today. He took my information and will get back to me about getting back into treatment. One step closer, right? Hopefully it won't be too long now....

In the meantime, check out some books at Amazon.com on personality disorders and the DSM-IV:

Update - Family, Depression, Blogging

So this past week I've been pretty absent from blog -- at least, compared to my activity in the past. This is probably due to the fact that my double-depression has kicked in.

You see, this past week, I found out that my grandfather's melanoma has spread to his lymph nodes. He's scheduled to go in for surgery this coming Tuesday, March 14, 2006. That's the eve of the Ides of March, which typically is not considered to be a good day where luck is concerned (reference the assassination of Julius Caesar).

Apparently, this means that he now has Stage III malignant melanoma. The prognosis for Stage III malignant melanoma is mixed ... he has a 30-70% survival rate, based on 5-year survival rate studies for this stage. If the melanoma progresses to Stage IV, then the prognosis becomes very bleak. Since his melanoma has gone from Stage I to Stage III, all the negative energy in me converts this into thinking that he's going to reach Stage IV.

When my grandfather was first diagnosed with melanoma, they did all the testing and such and told him that it hadn't spread, and chances were good that it wouldn't spread. So take together the fact that we've gone from Stage I to Stage II to Stage III, plus his surgery being scheduled one the eve of the Ides of March, put that all together, and then maybe you can see why I'm thinking that he's going to end up in Stage IV at some point and this, essentially, is the beginning of the end.

Also this week, my father told me that he had a stroke last year, which has caused permanent damage, and mainly affects his memory (which, he surmises, is probably why he didn't tell me until now -- he forgot he hadn't told me yet). He hasn't told anyone else, other than his wife, about the stroke.

Additionally, my sister is now bitching to me about how our mother is refusing to see her daughter (my niece, my mother's first grandchild), because of a disagreement that she and my sister are having (which I won't even begin to get into here now). My sister and my mother, essentially, baiting me to take sides, which I'm refusing to do. I can see points to both of their opinions, and they're both being stubborn by refusing to make the first move to talk to the other about their feelings. But still, because they're family, I have to sit and listen to them.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy.

This is just typical of my life these days, though. Take, for instance, the year of my car accident:

I was involved in a fatal automobile accident in January, 2002. Apparently, there was a head-on collision between my car and another car. I was driving alone, as was the other drive. I had the misfortune of living, the other drive died. I don't remember a thing about the accident -- even of being involved in an accident. Apparently, this is typical for people who have gone through severely traumatic events such as very bad auto accidents. I spent bout four months in the Trauma Unit of Westchester Medical Center recovering from my injuries. Half of that time was spent in the hospital being treated for my injuries, the other half was spent in the rehab section of the hospital (that's physical rehabilitation). Here's a picture of the accident scene:


I got out of the hospital, and started treatment for my depression. A few weeks into it, I wound up in the psychiatric unit at United Hospital (which has gone out of business) for a few weeks. I came out, and then wound up in the psych unit of Westchester Medical Center -- they call it the Behavioral Health Center -- where I spent the next seven months.

During my stay there, my grandmother, who raised me and essentially acted as a surrogate mother to me, died. That was in July, 2002. In the beginning of September, another patient, with whom I had developed a deep friendship, hung herself -- in the bathroom right outside of my room. I saw her as I was coming out of my room, as the staff was opening the door to the bathroom at the same time. Later that month, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Around my birthday in October, my father told me that he had gotten remarried -- back in June. And then, when I was discharged a few days before Christmas, my grandfather went into the hospital with pneumonia.

Oh, and did I mention that the friend I had moved out to Phoenix, Arizona with back in 1999 had died the same year? In fact, I think he died the same day I wound up going into WCMC's Behavioral Health hospital. I loved him very much, and was probably even in love with him (he loved me, too, although the "in-love" part probably wasn't reciprocated). But he's another story.
R.I.P. Roscoe R. Loper, IV.

So you see, this kind of trauma has been my life, especially since my car accident. And this is probably why I keep lapsing into these double-depressions so often.

Note To Self: Add a link

In going through my blog, trying to get everything in order, I found another post that I saved in draft status but forgot to go back and publish....

This is a note to myself to add this blog to my "Blogs I'm Reading" list. I came across it from a site I was visiting, and I clicked on a link to another site, where I clicked on a link to another site, where I clicked on a link to another site, and I basically repeated that about 97 more times to arrive at this one.

I'm starting to love this gal. At first, before I read her bio, I thought it was a drag queen's site. I mean, she has the personality of a drag queen. Plus, just look at the name: Paper Napkin. That's a Drag Queen name if I ever heard one.

But she's pretty cool. She started this "delurking week" thing where she advocates for people to stop "just" reading other people's blogs and participate in them -- leave comments! She has a cool list of "100 things." She's won some blogging awards.

I just wish Blogger had an easier way of updating the sidebar. As it is now, I have to go into the template (which is a pretty big file to being with), find what the section I want to add a link to, and then manually add it to my list. I don't mind the entering it manually part -- it's the finding the code in the huge template form that is becoming quite a bit annoying ...

Speed Reading

I'm utterly amazed. I came across this post because someone e-mailed me about something, and I decided to check out their web site. I came across this little ditty, and I'm utterly amazed that I was able to read it at just about the same speed that I read other text. Maybe this is because I've gotten so used to people mis-typing words. Or maybe it's just that it's true.

Try reading it as you would any other news article. That is, not to analyze the contents, but to get a general idea of what the article is about. I think you'll be surprised at just how readable the text actually is.

What's perhaps even more amazing is that this, apparntly, has been around for a while. Just take a look at the search results I came up with on Google.

This "word recognition" that we perform is perhaps the reason behind our ability to perform "speed reading." Maybe the reason that I was able to read this passage without batting an eye, so to speak, is because, back in high school, I bought a computer program for my Commodore 128 computer, called the Evelyn Wood Dynamic Reader, which basically teaches you how to increase reading comprehension and how to "speed read" using the Evelyn Wood Dynamic Reading method.

So perhaps, when one possess "advanced" reading/comprehension skills, one is better able to process information of the sort descrbied in this "article"? What do you think?

Mambo - Newsflash 3

Site Tinkering

I originally wrote this post some time in February, and I've finally been able to finish it.

Some of you (any of you?) may have noticed that I've been tinkering with my blog a bit. It's been a long time since I've done any HTML coding, and I'm a bit rusty. Plus, now I have to make sure that the code works with Google's Blogger service, which hosts my blog. Blogger uses "blog tags" that are similar to HTML tags, but are a bit more involved and evolved.

In any event, most of the tinkering that I've done has to do with repositioning certain elements in my sidebar, and adding a footer to the blog (scroll down all the way to the end). Back in February, I had to do a bit of debugging, because adding the Creative Commons license totally messed things up for a while, completely oblierating some sections of my blog, and also made my Google Adsense ads stop appearing. That was fun. Of course, the ads have stopped appearing again, and now I have absolutely no idea why they're not showing up. I've asked my friend, Stacey, to look into it for me, because she's a web goddess.

If you'd like to learn more about Google's Adsense, and start making money on your blog or web site, click on the button below:

The difference between Microsoft and Apple

If you're a tech geek or a gadget freak (or an ubergeek (define) like Chris Pirillo), you'll probably find this amusing, funny, or interesting. If you're not, you might not get it. But I think it goes a long way at describing the culture and climate of Microsoft. Would any of my ex-M$ employee friends like to comment about this? :)

(Clicking on the link will open a Flash movie with sound -- WS, unless you work for the evil conglomerate)

YouTube - microsoft ipod packaging parody