25 September, 2006

Beaten & Robbed, Beaten by Depression

You may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in a while. That's due to the fact that my depression has its hand firmly gripped around me.

Just about a month ago, in the early morning, as I was getting ready to go to my partial hospitalization program, I heard a knock on the door. I checked through the peephole and didn't see anyone, so I opened the door, with the chain lock still on it. That's the last thing I really remember. I was either punched in the face through the door, or the impact of the door being forced open (breaking the chain lock) knocked me out. I spent a few days in and out of consciousness, lying on the floor, until the person I've been staying with came back from spending the week at his sister's and found me.

Since I'm not supposed to be there, I couldn't go to the police (the person I'm staying with is in a subsidized housing program and on Section 8, and he's not allowed to have people -- like me -- living with him). They took my phone, computer, PDA, a bracelet that means a great deal to me (more on this later), my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety prescriptions (my guess is that they saw my cane, and probably thought that the scripts were pain killers of some sort), and some other things items (including money).

The most devastating aspect of this robbery is that all of the contact information that I had for everyone and everything in my life was taken. I wasn't able to get in touch with anyone, including my father, mother (who had surgery the morning that it happened, and who since has had a birthday), the partial hospital program I was in, any of my friends/family/etc. The only contact I had made with people is when certain -- a select few -- friends who live in the area where I've been staying, had stopped by because they couldn't get in touch with me. Since my partial hospital program wasn't able to get in touch with me, to pick me up (my phone was taken), I was kicked out.

At the same time, all of my coping mechanisms were taken away from me (they took my car keys, but my friend had my car and he's in the process of fixing it; still, I haven't been able to drive it (driving is one of my coping skills)). I sank further and further into my depression, going into total isolation (I even avoided the friend I've been staying with), especially after I realized that the bracelet Rossi gave to me on my birthday was taken (more on that later).

I'm at the library now on their computers. I showered today for the first time in about three weeks. I only managed to get out of the house because a few days ago, I found a book that I had bought but hadn't read yet, and started reading. That lifted me enough out of the sinkhole of depression that I was in to venture out of my living quarters for the first time in a few weeks. So I'm at the library, making a quick blog entry, and hoping to check out a few more books and maintain this level of depression.

I have no hope that things will improve. I'm hanging on by a very thin thread, and the only reason I haven't done anything is because I know that it would be devastating to my mother, and I don't want to hurt her like that. Also, my father would be quite upset (as well as my step-mother and step-brother) and I don't want to hurt them. I know that there are people out there who care deeply for me, and not wanting to hurt them is pretty much the only reason I have left to keep living.

I'll try to get back here and write more later. I've written a few things down the old-fashioned way (which I'm not really good at doing, as I'm used to thinking at the speed of my typing (which is fast), not at the speed of my writing (relatively tortoise-like compared to my typing speed).

If you think that you're a person who has been in, or who belongs in my life, then please contact me and provide your information. I think that if you click on the link to my profile, there's a link from on my profile to send me an e-mail. As I've said, I don't have anything from anyone anymore.

This is the book that I read that lifted me up a little out of the mega-depression I'm in right now. I think the Bouldershoulder Brothers even managed to get me to let out a small laugh.