03 February 2023

In Loving Memory of Ralph "King Ralphy" Iken

I don't know where to begin, which sometimes happens to journalists and writers. I've lost a dear friend and my emotions are overwhelming, which makes writing difficult. This isn't like when I wrote the first published obituary for Stormé DeLarvarie, someone I'd met once or twice but didn't know very well. It's much more difficult to write about someone who was close to you and whom you will miss a great deal.

Ralph Iken

APRIL 2, 1987 – JANUARY 30, 2023

a/k/a "King Ralphy"

Known simply as Ralphy to his friends, he was born in New York City's Brooklyn borough. According to multiple posts on Facebook, Ralphy was struck and killed by a car on the New Jersey Turnpike on January 30, 2023, bringing an abrupt and all-too-short end to the life of a fellow activist and dear friend. No further details are available as to the cause of death.

Ralphy was a staple of New York City's gay nightlife scene as well as a promoter, party host, rapper, DJ, publicist, and social networking and marketing professional. A protégé of sorts of the late DJ Peter Rauhofer, he both worked and lived with Rauhofer for many years until Rauhofer's death in 2013.

Why should you care that someone from NYC's gay nightlife scene has died? Because Ralphy was so much more than a mere icon in the club scene. He was a person of great depth, beloved by many. There are numerous posts on Facebook testifying about how he will be missed and how great a legend he was. It's important to know why he was such a beloved member of the LGBTQ community, why he became such a legend, and why he will be missed by so many.

Ralphy, like so many of us, was damaged goods. He'd been through a lot in the short span of 35 years he lived on this planet. He probably had more than his share of troubles, trials, and tribulations. Yet, he persevered. He survived an attempted sexual assault and became an advocate for those who suffered from sexual abuse, showing tremendous courage. His voice was strong and loud, yet full of compassion and love.

Sexual abuse and sexual assault survivors weren't the only causes Ralphy espoused. He spoke out often on mental health issues. #breakingcodesilence, which exposes and helps prevent institutional child abuse, was another cause that Ralphy was greatly involved in. He cared greatly for our youth and other vulnerable members of society. To know Ralphy was to see how much he cared for and loved others. He shared his own vulnerabilities to help support the causes he championed.

Ralphy gave so much of himself and asked nothing in return. Many LGBTQ artists owe their careers to him. The GaySocialites brand probably wouldn't exist without all the work he did for them. And Ralphy didn't just work his butt off for money, he did quite a bit for LGBTQ charities in NYC, as well. He did this without asking for anything in return--not even recognition (although he didn't mind being recognized for his efforts). In fact, he often approached nonprofit organizations and asked if he could do anything to help them. That's what he did when my fabulous friend Appolonia Cruz and I rescued Bronx Pride in 2013.

Ralphy's vulnerability made you just want to hug him--if he let you in. He exhibited kindness, compassion, and respect in all that he did, whether for profit, for charity, or for friendship. He cared about the people he worked with and for whom he advocated. He was about as real as you can get (some call it Brooklyn real).

What I will miss most about Ralphy is all the love he brought into this world. Rest In Peace, King Ralphy. You are missed.